Thursday, April 2, 2009

A While Back...

So A While Back…

Why now?

I have asked Lynne to move-in with me twice. One time was while I laid on a gurney in pain. The other was earlier this year.

On both accounts she said, “no.”

I used to have this tiny studio apartment in West Hollywood (just three blocks and three years from meeting Lynne) for $790 a month. One morning, I awoke to a homeless guy in my kitchen. I bolted up from my bed, which was oven-adjacent, clad only in my American Flag boxers and wedged myself between him and the knife block.

Now, I have won some fights and I have lost some fights. Despite the fact that I was looking quite the Superhero that morning, I wasn’t getting into a fight. In my 20’s, I learned a simple rule about fighting, “You can avoid the whole thing if your opponent thinks you are crazier than they are.” Don’t be a bad or smart ass - just be crazy.

So I start speaking in tongues. Not that I have any knowledge about it, I just starred chanting jibberish really passionately and worked in the phrases “Empower Me Satan,” “Forgive Me Jesus,” and the ever popular “With Strength from Isis’

The homeless guy protested, “I just took a shower with the hose in the back”

I responded in my throatiest, eyes in the back of diagaprahm voice “I have no towel service for you!”

Shortly thereafter I decide I was no longer cool enough for Hollywood.

So I move to Studio City to a one bedroom. Only a $100 bucks more a month, with gated parking and a dishwasher! Camelot, right? Safe, right? My landlord got murdered in the first eight months. Then bugs start showing up everywhere. My phones get stolen. The murder and the theft I can deal with, but no one likes buggies.

After a few years of this and meeting Lynne, I want to be closer to her. Sure, in a perfect world I was only 15 minutes away. But God Forbid should there be a good show at the Hollywood Bowl AND Universal City on the same night. Traffic boils over and many times I had to abandon my quest for love on short notice. This is not so popular with the ladies.

I wanted to be back in town. I wanted to be with Lynne all of the time. Easy right? Let’s move in together!!

So six months ago I asked her, again


To her own admission, the Catholics did a good job on her. Eight years of Catholic teachings had made her hesitant. Her sister living with an overly idealistic wannabe screenwriter for ten years had made her cautious.

When I tell people she refused to move in with me. The first question is “Is she really religious? What’s her problem?’

No, she isn’t that religious. She did however have a morale, that was blocking us.

This was the moral she put in front of me. “I have a $680 rent controlled West Hollywood one bedroom a block away from Target. I am not giving that up until we are all (waves her hands in circle motion around her head), until (insert Texan drawl) we are all settled.”

Like the homeless guy who walked into my apartment, I wasn’t ready for this. I had no bullshit parade to put on, I wanted something, I needed something. I had no plan like “act crazy.” I was on the fence and proposing by force wasn’t going to push me.

But I couldn’t argue with $700 a month apartment in West Hollywood a block away from Target. A girl has to have her standards. I love that about her.

So Mr. YOG, just fricking propose already.

I just wasn’t ready. Proposing for me had never been about doing something to make me feel happy. It has been always about making both of us happy. So I didn’t want to jump the gun.

So I got a year lease on a Hollywood one bedroom for $1300 a month.

No comments:

Post a Comment